There, as if there’s a final destination I was expecting to arrive at.
I fully expected to need the majority of my allotted 365 days to accomplish my primary goal of meeting a partner. I certainly didn’t expect to be married months before crossing the finish line, that’s for sure.
But here I sit with just 30 days left…exactly one month…and I’m married to a lovely human being. I have two adorable puppies. I’m teaching yoga regularly and looking forward to SUP this summer. I’ve started two businesses, both focused on wellness…one more body focused and the other more spiritual. I’m regularly spotted in yoga pants and have nearly forgotten what it’s like to have a “traditional job”. I say “nearly forgotten” because I remember enough to know no matter how alluring the paycheck, I don’t want to go back.
When I started this journey, I knew so little. My life was made up of waaaaaaay more questions than answers. I was searching to find myself…so I could make an introduction…and get to know me at the most basic level. To get to know myself as someone other than [insert name followed by long boring job title and list of professional accomplishments]. I was in search of the real me.
I knew there’d be pain…doubt…worry…heaviness…delight…joy…elation…relief. I knew I’d uncover parts of myself that hadn’t see light in years…and they wouldn’t be pretty. Not pretty, but necessary. Taking off each mask…one at a time to unveil a softener, more tenderhearted piece of myself. Pieces that had been tucked away…kept safe…for years. The result…knowing that we are safe now.
I’m still working to uncover the remaining pieces. To put together a puzzle that creates the most authentically beautiful masterpiece. As I dust the pieces and shine them up, I’ve come to know her…me…as more than a name. She’s more than a career or a job…more than a title or salutation.
I know her heart. Her deepest desires. Her inner most fears. And through this blog I’ve been able to bare her soul…share her beauty…even when I wondered why I was doing it.
See, I wanted so badly to break free of all those old ties…to tear off and destroy those old masks…that I knew I had to publicly burn them…destroy them…so they could never return. So I couldn’t get scared and run back…tie myself to something that didn’t progress me…throw on an old mask that hid me from my true intentions.
And here I am with 30 days left…and so many of my dreams fulfilled. So many, that I’m finding myself feeling a little like I did when I started the blog. I have this amazing life. A life I thought would take years to build…and sometimes I find myself wondering “What’s next?? Where do I go from here??”.
It’s a question that shifts my perspective from being present in the moment. From absorbing all the love I was so desperately in search of. It moves me out of now into tomorrow…a place that no one can ever truly exist in.
So when I say it’s a completely different perspective, and yet it isn’t…that’s what I mean. When I look back at where I was and compare it to where I am today, I know I have arrived. I’ve arrived so much sooner than I expected. And I know my focus should be to settle in…enjoy where I’m at…cherish my early arrival. Trust that what’s supposed to happen next, will.
With a month to go, I need to settle into my feminine energy and ride this awesome wave…nurture this existence…love the ups and downs…open my heart to all the Universe has blessed me with…and trust in a future I’ve yet to dream.
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